Kindergarten Enemies

I wasn’t expecting what I got from kindergarten. First of all, I was under the impression that it was pronounced Kinder-garden and that we’d all be playing in the dirt and planting flowers and shit. Instead, there were 100 year old ladies hanging over my head telling me to color that picture of an elf or else I was going to time-out and to stop making that poor boy eat dirt or else I was going to time-out. I basically lived my kindergarten year from the desk in the corner that was time-out. Eventually, they decided I must be ADHD or just mentally incapable of kindergarten because they sat me in a desk, made a circle around me and discussed “what they were going to do with me.” They ended up informing my mother about my behavior, telling her I must have some deficiency. But she knew better than that. I was reading and writing highly above my level and I was bored with kindergarten. She was right and all but they didn’t believe her. All of my other teachers agreed with the kindergarten teachers up until about the 4^th grade.

Anyways, back to kindergarten. The very first day of school, my mom walked me into the classroom to introduce my teacher to me so I wouldn’t be scared. But the teacher wasn’t the first thing I saw. It was a boy who was in my class. His name was Hunter and he was standing on the other side of the sliding glass door to the playground. Hunter and I locked eyes and my heart dropped into my stomach. He gave me a glare and I instantly knew that we would spend our entire kindergarten careers harassing each other for no particular reason. And that’s how I met my first mortal enemy.

We did indeed spend the entire year picking on, beating up and making fun of each other. One day when he was bugging me, I decided I wanted him to leave me alone. I got up and pushed him against a chain-link fence surrounding the playground. That’s how most of my trips to time-out happened.

The most embarrassing part of this mortal enemy business was that, years afterwards (maybe we were 10) I was at the public pool with my brother.

It was extremely awkward but being 10 year olds, we quickly ended the conversation with little attempt at doing it smoothly. I never saw that kid again, but he shall always be remembered as my Kindergarten Arch Enemy.

Worst of the mall

Up until about a year ago, I was going to the mall a lot and when you spend so much time packed into a building containing countless numbers of human beings, you tend to encounter some of the strangest.

The first strange person I would like to bring to attention is this guy:

Imagine a very old, grey-haired hippie who’d been living on the streets for a couple weeks. That’s our guy. We shall call him Bill. So my best friend and I were hanging out in Hot Topic, checking out their socks and whatnot and this guy comes up and stands almost close enough to us for it to be awkward. He looks around for a moment as if trying to figure out what the heck was happening to him before picking up a nearby snow globe off of the counter.

Instead of just observing it a little, maybe shaking it, Bill looks into it like he’s just discovered an alternate universe inside and wildly begins swinging it around with both his hands over it. All the while he’s yelling “SNOOOOOOWWGLOOOOBE!!” over and over in his warbled hippie-hobo voice and twisting his body like he was trying to hula-hoop and re-enact that scene from The Matrix at the same time. My best friend and I were perplexed.

Eventually, Bill put down the snow globe and stumbled out like nothing had happened. 

Our next spectacle we shall call Albert for obvious reasons. My best friend and I were walking through the mall when randomly we spot an old guy but not just any old guy. No, Albert was not ordinary.

Yes, this guy was a picture perfect Einstein. And he was just walking. He must have heard our hysterical laughter because he turned around with an expression like "What? Why does everyone laugh?! WHAT AM I NOT GETTING HERE!??" He walked into Hallmark for a while and walked out again. It was absolutely hilarious. I have reason to believe that it was a costume, seeing as it was around Halloween, but the hair and mustache were very real and you can’t very easily make your face look 200 years old.

Chuck Norris invented peanut butter.

He had to have, right? Peanut butter is the God of foods and such a thing can only be created by the most kick-ass person alive. This is a quick drawing I made. I call it "The Birth of Peanut Butter"

I'm almost positive that's what happened.